30 November 2009

Fears: The Short List

What am I afraid of? As I have been pondering this question, I've enumerated many fears--all of which I couldn't possibly address and/or overcome in a 365-day period of time.

The biggest fear for me has always been the fear of failure: as I said earlier, I often don't do things because I'm afraid that I would fail at them. So, conquering that fear of failure is the focus of 2010. I am focusing my efforts on doing things that I, in the past, haven't done because I was afraid to fail. Sewing, running, applying to grad school, doing algebra, etc are examples of that.

There are also other fears--e.g. fear of heights and fear of spiders/snakes--that I will try to face this year. I will probably not conquer them (Molly, you'll probably still have to kill all of the spiders in the backseat of KShum's car for me!)...but I'm going to face them.


26 November 2009

It's the End of the World As We Know It...And I Feel Fine

To the world, I seem fearless. They see what I've overcome to get where I am today. They see that I do hard things every single day. They see that I can travel across the world on my own and speak in front of hundreds of people with a moment's notice. They see that I am strong, capable, determined, tenacious, and skilled--and I am. I couldn't be where I am today emotionally, financially, spiritually, or otherwise if I hadn't been so strong.

But what people don't see is that while I am strong, I am also incredibly scared. My accomplishments have largely been the product of my own efforts. Until recently, I did not have any sort of healthy support system, so I relied completely and totally on my own best efforts (which at best weren't that great)--and constantly relying on only myself engendered lonliness and fear because I knew my limitations so I was in a continual state of panic that at any moment I would fail.

I have allowed fear to talk me out of too many good things in my life -- and from even attempting to try to do things. When I assess a situation and see that I lack (skills, knowledge, opportunity...whatever it is), Fear tells me that I shouldn't even try, that I should avoid this situation because the risk of "failure" is too high. I have believed that voice because it seemed reasonable; it seemed to have my best good at heart and wanted to prevent additional hurt and pain in my life. However, I realized that that is NOT the case: Fear is from Satan--and Satan NEVER has our best good at heart!

So, even though I'm not good at ignoring the Fear (or the "Yelling Voice" as Judy and I call it) and doing things I'm afraid to do, I am going to do it anyway. I cannot continue to live my life in fear of the unknown, to run away from things that scare me. To combat this fear and create a new way of living, I determined that 2010 will be for me a Year of NO FEAR. I have made a list of things that scare me, and one by one, I will face them and conquer them.

This is my report. Good job, thank you very much, amen.